The Way We Judge: Action vs. Intent
Sometimes our actions don’t effectively align with intent. We try to prevent worry but brush over important details, eliciting more concern. We want to avoid burdening family members with personal needs, but when they don’t show up for us, we foster resentment. We work to avoid missing the deadline but bulldoze our team in the process, eroding trust. Each action, though well intended, produces undesirable results. How do we evaluate the effectiveness of our actions? It’s hard to assess because we use different measuring sticks.
We judge others by their actions, and we judge ourselves by our intent.
This causes us to justify and minimize the results of our actions because we evaluate them through the lens of what we meant. When our execution causes undesirable results, we often seek to correct the receiver’s interpretation before we ever evaluate our action. Even when we know execution is poor, we expect grace. We say, “Don’t hear what I say, hear what I mean.”
It’s ironic because we don’t extend the same grace in reverse. People don’t show up to the meeting, so they must be non-committal. He was late, so he’s written off as irresponsible. Our friend canceled plans because she's flakey. We’ve likely been on both sides of the story. I’ve been absent, and I’ve had others not show up. I’ve been late, and I’ve been left waiting. I’ve canceled plans, and I’ve had plans canceled on me.
Character does impact behavior, and repeated behavior reveals character. But could it be that sometimes the results are due to well intended but poorly executed action?
We see others as extensions of who their actions portray them to be. We see our actions as exclusive from who we believe ourselves to be.
And yet, we’re quick to observe their execution and attribute it to character deficiency despite limited context, no knowledge of intent, or any experience in their season of life. It’s hypocritical, but this underscores so many of our relationships. What’s worse, we often excuse our actions even when they draw recurring critical feedback and produce ineffective results. When feedback doesn’t align with our self-image, it’s easy to rationalize our behavior. Experience teaches us that bad choices result in negative consequences. However, assessing whether or not execution is effective is harder than seeing actions as right or wrong. If we try to do something right but end up doing it the wrong way, our execution is often last to be questioned.
When we don’t own our actions, we fail to see our ineffectiveness. When we fail to see our ineffectiveness, we assume other people are the problem.
Left unchecked, we rewrite the narratives of other people's character, including those who we love and are important to us. Even when the assumed character flaws aren't true, we end up filtering future actions through the lens of what we already believe. Our lens serves as its own confirmation bias, and it can erode relationships with our families, our friends, and our co-workers without our realization.
When the actions of others offend us, do we allow them to fill the gap of disappointed expectation or do we assume intent for them? Each exchange fuels an ongoing narrative that underscores our judgment toward each other. It’s either reflective of reality or cultivates disillusionment. It’s either moving us toward desired outcomes or causes unintended results. We’re either pursuing intimacy or protecting ourselves from it.
People are accountable for their actions, and there are times when execution shifts from poor to destructive or abusive. I’m not speaking to that but rather to our day to day relationships where we often have mutually desired outcomes but conflicting execution. In our everyday interactions, are we aware of how we judge and expect to be judged in return?
If we’re going to expect different results, we have to check our narratives and ask ourselves the following:
When our actions stray from what we intended, are we humble enough to adjust execution?
When we receive recurring critical feedback, do we own up to the impact of our actions?
When conflict arises, do we demand that others accept our intent while disregarding theirs?
I’ve had to learn this the hard way. While I can’t control outcomes, I’ve seen the benefit of evaluating the effectiveness of my actions. It’s helped me assume responsibility for my actions instead of excusing them. It’s allowed me to change course more quickly when results stray from what I intend. It’s helped me to stop rewriting character because assumptions aren’t always reality. And it’s allowed me to operate with more peace and intentionality in my relationships because I try to extend grace when execution doesn’t meet my expectations.